Flirtasaurus by Erin Mallon

Author:Erin Mallon
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Erin Mallon
Published: 2020-07-06T16:00:00+00:00

Chapter Fifteen

It’s the night of the museum sleepover, and Otto and I are in the cafeteria, stuffing goody bags for the kids and parents who will be arriving in just a few hours.

“You know what I realized the other day, Otto?”

“What’s that, kid?” he says after a sip from the trusty thermos he always has with him.

“We’ve been dunching together for over a week now. You’ve been sketching while I’ve been writing every chance we get, and… you’ve never touched me. Not a handshake, a high five, a back slap, nothin’.”

“That’s exactly right. And I never will.”

“What? Why not?”

“You millennial ‘me too-ers’ scare the shit out of me.”

“Oh, come on, are you serious?”

“Deadly serious, yes. I’m not touching another woman as long as I live unless I have a signed consent form in place.”

“Dude, that’s ridiculous! And if we want to get technical, I believe I am at the tippy top of Gen Z, but who the hell knows. I don’t really follow that stuff.”

“Well, either way, I’m not taking any chances.”

“Are you sure you’re not a ghost?”

“What the hell are you talking about, kid?”

“Well, usually in books and movies and television mini-series and stuff, when there’s an old, mysterious guy lurking around an establishment and no one has ever touched him, it gets revealed later that he’s been a ghost the whole time. Tell me, dude, are you a ghost?”

“Ha, I don’t think so. Last I checked, I’m still here.”

“Thank goodness for that.”

“Aw. What? Do you like hanging out with me or something, kid?”

“Yeah, yeah, I guess I do.”

“The feeling is mutual, but nah, I have no need to have physical contact of any kind with any woman ever again.”

“Never been much of a touchy-feely guy then?”

“Oh, hell no. I screwed like a rabbit in the sixties and seventies. I was the touchiest-feeliest of them all!”

“Oh, good! I mean, I don’t care if you… It’s just that from what I understand, it’s important for people to—”

“Ah, those were the days, weren’t they?” He looks wistful as if he’s visualizing something. “Fucking fantastic. But after my wife passed…”

“Your wife passed? I’m sorry.”

“Thank you. A few years ago, yeah. So. After my wife passed, I found myself in a whole new world where you could no longer squeeze an ass without consent, lest you be arrested.”

“Well, that’s as it should be, don’t you think?”

“Is it, though?”

“Take it from a woman. Yes. It is. Also, I hate the word lest. Reminds me of molest.”

“You see that there? That kind of thinking is why I’ll never touch ya.”

“Oh come on, you have my consent to give me like a… a fist bump!”

I hold out my fist to him, and he recoils like I’m trying to burn him.

“Nah, I’m not falling for that. I need a witness.”

“Fine. By the way, thank you for filling in tonight. My friend Sasha ended up having to help out at an event for her dad’s liquor company, so…”

“Sure. What else was I going to do? And I’ll try not to take offense that I wasn’t your first choice.

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